SETTING
An interfaith chapel in the basement of a hospital. The set should be simple. One pew. A table with candles. Most important is a chair, rather like a throne, where IRENE likes to roost.
TIME
The present. Age of zealotry.
CAST
IRENE GOODWORTH - An older woman; she is the administrator of the The Goodworth Chapel. She is looking for her successor. She is weary, but her zeal is still without bounds. She wears a hostess robe and a glittering tiara.
MARIA PEREZ - A young Hispanic woman. She comes to apply for the job of new chapel administrator. Shy and sincere, she can also be manipulative if need be. She wears a candy striper uniform.
NOTE
The rituals performed are based on those practiced by a religious group in northeastern Wyoming.
SCENE
(It is morning. IRENE enters to open the chapel for the day. She lights a candle and dusts the pew with great devotion. There is the sound of traditional church organ music in the background. IRENE also polishes her throne chair. Then, perhaps fatigued by all this, she retires to the throne chair to rest. Listening to the music, she nods off. She does not notice a young Hispanic woman enter. After a few moments, MARIA stamps her foot, waking IRENE.)
MARIA
Excuse me, please.
IRENE
(Wakes, dazed) Hello?
MARIA
Oh, I’m terribly sorry.
IRENE
(Robotlike) The Goodworth Chapel is dedicated in loving memory of Isabel Jenkins Goodworth by her daughter, Irene Jenkins Goodworth.
MARIA
Forgive me, but is this the hospital chapel?
IRENE
What is it?
MARIA
The chapel? Of St. Bartholomew’s Hospital?
IRENE
One moment, please. (She descends from her throne and flips a switch to silence the music.) Lovely as it sounds, the music plays havoc with my hearing. (slight pause) Now, may I help you?
MARIA
(Timid) I’m looking for the hospital chapel.
IRENE
This is The Goodworth Chapel.
MARIA
Is see. But is there another chapel? Is this the only one?
IRENE
I’m certain there are many more. Personally, I am only concerned with this one. I don’t get out much, you see.
MARIA
I mean, is there another chapel in this hospital?
IRENE
(confronts MARIA) Why do you ask? Is this chapel not glorious enough for you?
MARIA
(Taken back) Why, it’s a lovely chapel. I... (Flustered, she genuflects.)
IRENE
I should say it is. Lovely. (beat) So, a Catholic, are you?
MARIA
Is it so obvious?
IRENE
I have no problem with it, your being Catholic. I really don’t. If you stay within your bounds. The Goodworth Chapel is an interfaith center. A have for patients and their families.
MARIA
Then I am in the right place. I was sent here by the personnel office. I want to replace the chapel administrator.
IRENE
(Stares at MARIA, then stalks her, circles her.) I see. I had hoped they might have come up with someone less ethnic. (beat) Well, no matter. I am Irene Goodworth, chapel administrator.
MARIA
(With a half-genuflection) And I am Maria Perez.
(MARIA extends her hand, which is ignored by IRENE.)
IRENE
If you have come to apply for my position, then we should begin at once. We may have worshippers here at any moment. (directly to MARIA) And we never, ever disturb worshippers. Is that clear?
MARIA
Very.
IRENE
Good.
(IRENE assumes her position on the throne, then motions for MARIA to have a seat on the floor beside her.)
MARIA
Thank you. (After a quarter-genuflection, MARIA sits down on the floor to the left of IRENE.)
IRENE
On my right side, please.
(MARIA crawls to the correct position.)
IRENE
Much better. (beat) Now, tell me about yourself. Seeing you this close, you can understand why I need to ask you about your family. About your heritage, in fact. The hospital can certainly offer applicants, but I assure you, the decision about my replacement is entirely up to me. Is that understood?
MARIA
I think so.
IRENE
By the way, you do know that this chapel is a memorial to my late mother?
MARIA
Why no, I didn’t. It’s so dark, and awesome. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It’s grand, that’s what it is.
IRENE
Yes, it is, isn’t it? Grand? It’s my design, of course.
MARIA
I’m very impressed.
IRENE
Now, tell me about your family. Specifically, I need to know if they come from Mexico. I hope this doesn’t sound arrogant, but I cannot imagine the offspring of illegal aliens assuming my position here.
MARIA
You have nothing to worry about, I assure you.
IRENE
No?
MARIA
(Brightly) My parents come from Santa Fe. My grandparents came from Barcelona. Why, the only time I’ve been in Mexico was on vacation.
IRENE
That had better be the truth, young lady.
MARIA
It is.
(MARIA makes the sign of the cross, which makes IRENE shudder.)
IRENE
Please, none of that papist business in my chapel. This is, like I said, an interfaith center.
MARIA
I mean no harm. Really I don’t. (Presents papers.) I do have the necessary documents to certify my American heritage.
IRENE
(Impressed, she takes the papers) That’s very intelligent, knowing to carry your papers. You’d be surprised how many people go about paperless. (IRENE studies the papers.) Good. I see that everything is in order.
(MARIA reaches for the papers, but IRENE puts them in a pocket.)
IRENE
Naturally, I shall have them verified by the proper authorities. A mere formality. (beat) I don’t know why, but I almost believe you.
MARIA
Why, thank you. (Begins to make the sign of the cross again.)
IRENE
(Harshly) No more of that! Didn’t you hear me?
MARIA
(Drops her hands to her lap.) Forgive me.
IRENE
I’ll consider it. (beat) Now, young woman, tell me about that costume you’re wearing. You look like a peppermint stick.
MARIA
(Arranges dress with pride.) This is my candy striper uniform. I wear it upstairs, in the hospital, when I’m working.
IRENE
I see. Are you on the bedpan brigade?
MARIA
(On her knees, imploring) Oh, I know it isn’t the most important job in the hospital. But I want to do good. You must believe me.
(She reaches for IRENE’S hand and tries to kiss it. IRENE jerks it free.)
IRENE
My dear!
MARIA
(Half-standing, she approaches the throne) I want to be the new chapel administrator. I really do. I want it so bad! Being a candy striper is good training. But to take your place, that’s my dream!
IRENE
(IRENE pushes MARIA to the floor roughly.) You silly little girl. No one can assume my position so easily. It takes time to become a good administrator. It was difficult, even for me, in the beginning. For you, for your kind, it will take a lot of time and effort. Maybe too much.
MARIA
I want to be worthy.
IRENE
(Impressed by the humility) Yes, I understand. Tell me, Marisella. Are you a good candy striper?
MARIA
(Smiling) The very best, for two years now. No matter what, I always smile. It isn’t always easy, to keep smiling. Why, when a patient dies, it’s very difficult to keep smiling. But I do.
IRENE
Then you put your best effort into it. That’s a good sign. (beat) Tell me, do your superiors have you take care of your own kind? Your own color? What I mean is this. Are you also allowed to care for whites and blacks. Jews?
MARIA
In the beginning, it was only Mexican-Americans. Then, when my superiors saw how dedicated I was, they let me care for the others too. (beat) Don’t you think that caring is a universal language, Miss Goodworth?
IRENE
Not as much as pain, my dear. Tell me, Marisella...
MARIA
Maria. It’s Maria, Miss Goodworth.
IRENE
Oh? Maria, then. (slight pause) Now, where was I? Oh yes. Tell me Marisella, do you know pain? Do you understand its nature? You are so young.
MARIA
Oh yes, I’ve known pain.
IRENE
(Delighted) Have you?
MARIA
I’ve seen so much pain upstairs in the hospital. But I have also known it personally. Not the hospital kind of pain. But still, it was pain.
IRENE
(Brightly) You must tell me about it!
MARIA
On the night of my senior prom, my date didn’t show up. He was to come at seven o’clock. At seven-thirty, my father told me the boy wasn’t coming. At seven-forty five, my mother made me take off my dress. She said it would wrinkle. Or that it might stain because of my tears. Then, at nine o’clock, my father offered to take me to the prom himself. But I said no. (Chokes back tears) By then it didn’t matter. Later on, I found out that my date had taken another boy to the prom. Something about minority rights, but to be honest, I never understood it. Wasn’t I alone? Wasn’t I the smallest minority of all? To this day my prom gown is packed in mothballs.
IRENE
(Non-plussed) That’s all? That is the extent of the pain you’ve known?
MARIA
(Tearfully) It hurts to talk about it even now.
IRENE
It’s a sad story, but I’m not sure it has anything to do with our duties here in The Goodworth Chapel. A dateless prom is one thing, dear. But real pain is another matter entirely. You must understand real pain, child. It’s better to learn it while you’re still young. (IRENE reaches down and pinches MARIA on the arm.)
MARIA
(Surprised and hurt) Ouch!
IRENE
Sometimes it feels like that, but pain has so very many disguises. (She removes a compact and powders her face.) I myself suffer the inconvenience of an aggravated t-zone.
MARIA
Oh.
IRENE
But I don’t wallow in self-pity, I assure you. (slight pause) For now, I must teach you more about the chapel. You need to know its history.
(They stand, MARIA following IRENE downstage.)
IRENE
Let’s begin with the inscribed wall over there. Can you read what it says? (beat) It is in English.
MARIA
(Rolls her eyes) I think so.
IRENE
Yes? Then read it. Aloud.
MARIA
(Squinting)
“The Goodworth Chapel
Is dedicated
In loving memory of
Isabel Jenkins Goodworth
By her daughter,
Irene Jenkins Goodworth.”
That’s very nice.
IRENE
Why shouldn’t it be? I wrote it myself. (beat) But it says nothing of the time, the years, I have spent in this chapel. I have dedicated by life to the memory of my mother. And to all the suffering people who look to St. Bartholomew for help. (beat) You do know St. Bartholomew, don’t you?
MARIA
(Unsure) Why, I...
IRENE
(A little agitated) Isn’t his name familiar to you? Aren’t you a Catholic? He’s one of your saints.
MARIA
To be honest, Miss Goodworth, there are so many saints. It’s hard to know them all. Besides, once you learn their names, the pope is likely to toss them out. Maybe they go out of style. I don’t know who’s in, or out, at this point.
IRENE
(Condescending) Then allow me to reacquaint you. St. Bartholomew was a martyr for your Church. The one that can’t decide who’s in vogue or not? (beat) Do you know how St. Bartholomew died? Do you?
MARIA
No, I...
IRENE
Then it is time you learned, young lady. The poor man was flayed alive. Skinned. Like a rabbit, my dear, no less than that. Like a common rabbit.
MARIA
(Playing along) Maybe I do remember.
IRENE
As well you should. (slight pause) So, it only made sense to name this very special hospital in his honor. This is the only hospital in America that specializes in combination skin disorders. Oh, it is often overlooked. Most people are more concerned with cancer. Heart disease. But here, at St. Bart’s, we are making a stand. And I might as well tell you, my own dear mother suffered thelong anguish of combination skin.
MARIA
I’m terribly sorry.
IRENE
Thank you, but that was twelve years ago.
MARIA
Then I’m sorry to be so late in offering my condolences.
IRENE
Oh, stop it! You didn’t even know me then. And you certainly didn’t know my mother, God rest her skin. (slight pause, then dreamily) I like to think that Mother still lives within these massive stone walls. Please, Marisella, allow me to share more of the history of this sacred place with you.
(IRENE begins walking, MARIA following her.)
IRENE
As you can see and feel, the chapel transports us into another time. You enter through an arched Gothic doorway of white, Carrera marble. Cool to the touch. The arch is carved in traditional ecclesiastical style. Notice the oak leaf capitals?
MARIA
Yes! They remind me of a chapel in Madrid. We were there on vacation once. Do you know, Miss Goodworth, that was the very first time I had ever eaten the food of my ancestors. (grandly) Pulpo!
IRENE
(Disconcerted) Poo poo?
MARIA
No. Pulpo. Pulpo, Miss Goodworth. Octopus?
IRENE
I am not interested in your vacation memories. Do you understand me? (She pinches MARIA on the arm.) I can see it is going to take more than this brief tour to set you straight. Remember that you are not here to offer your opinions. (She pinches MARIA again.)
MARIA
Ouch!
IRENE
You react quite naturally to pain. Always a good sign. (She pinches MARIA again.)
MARIA
(Rubbing her arm) You should know that I bruise easily.
IRENE
Really? St. Bartholomew had no skin left to bruise, you selfish girl. Don’t you dare whimper. You must be prepared to deal with pain. To appreciate it. Understand the spirit of this place. How can you expect to gain the confidence of patients and their families if you don’t know how to suffer with dignity? (beat) Poo poo, indeed.
MARIA
(Stiff upper lip) I’m sorry to be such a whiner. You’re right. I will pray for strength.
IRENE
Pray to St. Bart. He listens well.
(IRENE flips a switch to begin playing music again. It is “The Lord’s Prayer,” sung by Jim Nabors.)
IRENE
(Dreamily) Music can be such a comfort. Listen to it, Marisella. Feel it. Music glides on the air and lands on our weary skin. Kissing it, caressing it. Music understands the indignity of combination skin.
MARIA
(Listening) It’s beautiful. Who is it?
IRENE
(Triumphantly) Jim Nabors! From an album of devotional tunes I ordered from The Franklin Mint. (with pride) I subscribe.
MARIA
(Thinking) Gomer Pyle? (beat) Isn’t he dead?
IRENE
Is he? I had not heard that.
MARIA
I’m fairly sure about it. I think I read it somewhere.
(Dejected by this news, IRENE returns to her throne.)
IRENE
This makes me very sad. So very sad.
MARIA
(At Irene’s side, comforting her) Maybe I’m wrong about it. Probably I am. I read about someone else dying. Yes, that’s it. I’m sure it was someone else. (beat) Perry Como?
IRENE
Are you sure?
MARIA
(Clueless) Yes.
IRENE
I suppose it could be anyone and I would always be the last one to know. I think so much about the chapel, I find it hard to keep up with the world outside. (beat) We must continue now. You must learn all about the chapel. (points to an imaginary altar) Do you like the altar?
MARIA
Oh, it’s almost too much for the eyes.
IRENE
Many say the same thing. The table is made of Botticino marble, and oak. The cross dates back to 1689. The altar itself is carved oak. (beat) I might mention that one of your most important duties will be to polish the woodwork. Have you had experience as a domestic?
MARIA
A domestic what?
IRENE
As a maid! Isn’t that what you people are best at? Dusting? Polishing? It should come like second skin.
MARIA
I told you, my parents are from Santa Fe. My family is originally from Barcelona.
IRENE
(Dismissive) I’m afraid I’m no expert in South-of-the-border geography. Forgive me. (She produces a dust rag from her housecoat.) Let’s try something, shall we? Polish that pew. (She hands the rag to MARIA.)
MARIA
(Unsure) You mean, rub it?
IRENE
(Impatient) I said polish! Didn’t I say polish?
MARIA
(Hurries to pew, begins rubbing heartily) I don’t understand why you want me to...
IRENE
(Descends from throne, goes after MARIA.) Stop it! Stop it this very instant!
MARIA
(Backing away, covering her arms) Did I do something wrong?
IRENE
Flagrantly. One should always polish clockwise. To do otherwise can cause the wood to splinter. (to herself) Maybe I would do better with a domestic.
MARIA
(Rolls her eyes) Please, give me another chance. I know I can do this job properly. I’m so tired of candy striping.
(MARIA tries to kiss IRENE’S hand again, but IRENE pulls away.)
IRENE
I must say, I admire remorse in a person. It reflects good stock. Colored or not. Now, try again.
(MARIA polishes the pew, clockwise.)
IRENE
Yes, that’s it. Exactly. Not so rough. Gently. Good. Good. (There is a noise offstage. IRENE hears it, and suddenly becomes outraged.) GET OUT OF HERE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO ENTER THE GOODWORTH CHAPEL UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN CURED! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? (IRENE stamps her feet to chase someone away.) BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING ME LOSE MINE! GET OUT! GET OUT! (When she is certain that the intruder has gone, IRENE returns to sit, exhausted, on her throne.) Oh, I must retire soon. This afternoon. Tomorrow morning. My heart can’t take much more of this.
MARIA
(Peering out the doorway, she goes to IRENE to try to soothe her) Try to relax, Miss Goodworth. You’ll be okay.
IRENE
I wonder.
MARIA
You will. (beat) But, who was that?
IRENE
Chaplain Frazier? He is a beast. He’s the chaplain of the hospital. Haven’t you seen him before?
MARIA
I remember him now. He got fresh with me once. In a linen closet. In the geriatric wing. I had the feeling he had spent the night in there.
IRENE
He probably had. The man passes out in the strangest places. But the problem I have with Chaplain Frazier is that he thinks this chapel is a bathroom. I tell him it isn’t, but he doesn’t seem to understand. I must be on the lookout for him, but sometimes he slips in. He leaves his calling card.
MARIA
That’s disgusting.
IRENE
Indeed it is. (beat) Oh, I pray for his recovery, or a swift admission to the Betty Ford Clinic.
MARIA
I can add a prayer for him in my own repertoire.
IRENE
That’s a wonderful idea. Maybe add two or three prayers. After all, dear, if you assume my position, you’ll have to deal with Chaplain Frazier on a daily basis.
MARIA
Maybe I’ll offer a novena.
IRENE
That sounds like a wise thing to do. (beat) Now, I think it is time I instructed you in our own ceremonies. As you know, this is an interfaith chapel. I have designed some very special rituals which accomodate most every taste. Are you ready to learn them?
MARIA
(With dread) Of course.
IRENE
Excellent. (beat) Give me a moment. (IRENE goes offstage, then returns pushing a small cart with a loaf of bread on top. Next to the bread is a whip.) Now, my dear, we shall perform “The Wonderbread Passion.” Shall we proceed?
MARIA
(With trepidation) I think so.
IRENE
Very good. (IRENE hands a towel to MARIA.) This loaf of bread is the body of our Lord. Hold this and receive the infant. (IRENE places the bread in the towel.) There. Now, child, rock it.
MARIA
Rock the bread?
IRENE
No, not the bread. The baby. Don’t you know where we are now, Marisella?
MARIA
(Confused) I’m not cure. Are we somewhere besides where we really are?
IRENE
Of course we are! We have been transported to Bethlehem. Now, rock the baby gently. That’s right. That’s quite good, really. (slight pause) But I’m afraid we are already moving again.
MARIA
Are we?
IRENE
Yes, we are moving along through time very quickly now. It is already time for the Passion. (She takes the whip in hand.) Now, Marisella. Put the bread on the cart. That’s it. Yes.
(MARIA puts the bread on the cart. IRENE begins whipping it furiously.)
MARIA
Oh, my.
IRENE
(Still whipping) We must do this because we need to be constantly reminded what happened. Here, in this combination skin hospital, we must always remember that others have had it much worse.
(IRENE whips the bread a bit longer, until she is exhausted. She then hads the whip to MARIA, then goes to her throne to collapse.)
MARIA
I don’t know if I can do this. I feel so unworthy. (rolls her eyes)
IRENE
You can, and you will. It’s time the whip was passed. If you don’t learn this, how can you expect to lead the service?
(MARIA begins to whip the bread very lightly.)
IRENE
WITH PASSION! DO YOU HEAR ME? I WANT PASSION!
MARIA
(Whips more earnestly) Like this?
IRENE
Better. Put your whole body and spirit into it.
MARIA
For how long?
IRENE
Just keep going. I’ll let you know.
(MARIA continues. When she becomes tired, she changes hands. After a little while, IRENE calls to her.)
IRENE
That will be sufficient. You can stop now. I think it’s time for the children’s sacrifice. We must teach the children well.
(IRENE gets up, pushes the cart offstage. When she returns, the cart has several naked dolls strapped to it.)
MARIA
Oh my God!
IRENE
(Whipping the dolls in earnest) This is the way we teach the children about pain and suffering. They must learn that Christ suffered for all their terrible sins.
MARIA
I don’t believe this.
IRENE
Your turn, dear. (She hands the whop to MARIA.)
MARIA
(Refuses it) I can’t do this! It’s sick. What kind of person are you? This isn’t a chapel. It’s a chamber of horrors!
IRENE
Don’t you want to be chapel administrator?
MARIA
I do. You know I do. But this is...
IRENE
(Pops the whip at MARIA angrily) Then do as I say! Now! (She begins whipping MARIA, who dances around to avoid her.)
MARIA
(Afraid for her life) Okay! Give it to me.
IRENE
(Continues whipping MARIA) I’m not finished. Think of all the people upstairs in the hospital. How can you help them if you don’t know how to suffer? Some of them with half a face covered by dry skin. The other half like underwater property in Florida. Combination skin is a curse. A curse! You must understand their pain to help them! (screaming) Look at me! Look at my t-zone!
MARIA
(Reaches for the whip) Please, give it to me. Let me try. I’ll whip the dolls.
IRENE
Will you? Tell me, child. Have you got it now?
MARIA
I think so. I pray so.
IRENE
(Still whipping her) Tell me you’ve got it and I’ll stop.
MARIA
(Wailing, fending off the blows) I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I think I’m going mad.
IRENE
(Interested) What did you say?
MARIA
(Sobbing, falls to the floor) I said, I think I’m going mad.
IRENE
(Coming near) Ah, then you do have it.
(IRENE drops the whip, then goes to stand behind Maria.)
MARIA
It’s a miracle.
IRENE
Yes, it must be. Miracles come later for some than for others.
MARIA
Is it over? I mean, I thought you were trying to kill me. I thought I was dying.
IRENE
(Kneeling beside her) Oh no, Marisella. You are so young, my child. You have many years left to live.
(IRENE removes her tiara and places it on MARIA’S head, very ceremoniously.)
IRENE
You will be a worthy successor. I can see it now.
BLACKOUT
Christopher Woods lives in Houston. He is the author of a prose collection, UNDER A RIVERBED SKY (PANTHER CREEK PRESS), and a collection of stage monologues for actors and actresses, HEART SPEAK, from STONE RIVER PRESS. His plays have been produced in Houston, Memphis, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, New York, Boston, Santa Fe, Tampa and Fort Lauderdale.
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