1
Faux Glass
By Leslie A. Bradshaw
CHARACTERS
ATTICUS*: City bird, Younger brother to DEAN.
DEAN*: City bird, Older brother to ATTICUS.
TOM: Lawyer-like professional.
*Birds should stay in bird character at all times. Pecking
at the floor, bobbing their heads. They are birds with
wings and everything.
(Lights up on a wall next to a building,
a park bench sits nearby.
On the ledge a bird bottle sits, inside it
a liquid. At rise a bird, ATTICUS, is sitting staring at
the bottle with intensity. We don’t know how long he has
been sitting staring, but its assumed
it has been a while. The sound of traffic and
birds is heard. After proper time, ATTICUS, goes over to
the bottle. Puffs out his chest, trying to make
the bottle impressed. Starts flirting with
the bottle. Begins to whistle a song “Come
Fly with Me” or similar. DEAN, also a bird,
creeps up behind him and watches.)
DEAN
Got a new girlfriend?
ATTICUS
What? No.
DEAN
Yeah, Uh-huh, Shure.
ATTICUS
Why are you here?
DEAN
(starting to inspect the bird.)
2
Ah, the eternal question.
ATTICUS
Dean...
DEAN
Yes, Love?
ATTICUS
What do you want?
DEAN
(gesturing around)
Lunch, baby brother, lunch.
ATTICUS
You could go over to the park, there are always more people
there...
DEAN
Yes, I could.
(ATTICUS and DEAN hold a brief stare-down.
ATTICUS looks away first and goes back to staring
at the bottle.)
DEAN
Where’d it come from?
ATTICUS
I don’t know.
DEAN
What is it?
ATTICUS
I don’t know.
DEAN
Is it breathing?
ATTICUS
I don’t know.
DEAN
Has it moved?
3
ATTICUS
No!
DEAN
Touchy. Touchy.
ATTICUS
This is where I eat lunch. You can’t be here.
DEAN
It’s a big planet man. I can be where ever I want to.
ATTICUS
I don’t think you can.
(DEAN laughs and whistles while walking around
inspecting things. Tom a yuppie man enters. He
is carrying a briefcase with a lunch inside.
He has a cell phone up to his ear, possibly a
head set. DEAN and ATTICUS stop to watch. They
cannot understand what he says.)
TOM
(on cell phone) Yes. Yes. I understand. Saturday. Yes.
Well, I can try. But we will see first if the monkey will
be able to make an appearance. (pause) Well, the judge
won’t let the trial go on without it. (pause) No I have to
disagree, I think the monkey is crucial to the case. Well,
yes, I assume the monkey will be wearing pants...Yes Mr.
Yellow Hat. Yes. Well, I’m going to eat my lunch now.
(pause) Yes, I am allowed lunches. (pause) I suppose the
monkeys are too. (pause) Yes, well, Yes, uh-huh. Goodbye.
(Tom begins to set out his lunch. Chips, sandwich,
a beverage. He is sitting
on the bench. He starts to eat his chips
and the birds began to “circle”. The birds dart
closer when food is dropped and then back off.
TOM notices the attention from the birds but
disregards it.)
DEAN
Drrrop it. Drrrop it. Drrrop it.
4
ATTICUS
I don’t think chanting helps any. He’ll drop it when he
drops it.
DEAN
Oh shut up. That smart mouth was what got you kicked out
the nest.
ATTICUS
I got kicked out of the nest because they needed the extra
room.
DEAN
Yeah, needed the extra room for hatchlings they liked more.
(ATTICUS takes a swing at DEAN. DEAN ducks. They
start to wrestle as birds when Tom gets another
call. “Son of a bitch.” “I’m going to kill you.”etc
are thrown around during the brotherly fight.)
TOM
‘ello? Yeah. Hi. Eating lunch. (pause) Outside (pause) Well
I like the outdoors. Fresh air. (gestures. Watches the
fight for a bit) the wildlife....
Yeah, I’m here.
(Tom is eating chips but not
being the cleanest about it.)
TOM
Shoo! Shoo!
(Forgetting the fight they
were just in for a moment.)
DEAN
What? Is he trying to talk to us?
ATTICUS
What a strange man.
(Start to fight again. The fight
moves to the bench and into Tom.)
TOM
(swatting)
5
Oh for the love of God! What is wrong with you! (to phone)
Oh no honey, I wasn’t talking to you. No.
(Tom starts to throw things (predominantly food)
at the birds. They get excited and get closer.
Feeling more threatened he starts to take his office
objects and throw them at the birds.)
(He picks up the bird bottle about to toss it.
Thinks against it because its glass.
Takes the head off and begins to throw the
liquid at them. ATTICUS and DEAN grab each
other with a high pitched girlish screams.)
DEAN
(overlapping)
Why did you do that?!
ATTICUS
(overlapping)
He killed her!
TOM
It’s a bottle! It’s not alive!
(A pause descends as they realize they
understand each other. DEAN and ATTICUS
are stilling holding on to each other.)
DEAN
Did he just talk to us?
ATTICUS
I think so.
DEAN
Why is he looking at us like that?
(beat)
TOM
Hello.
ATTICUS
Hello.
(pause)
6
ATTICUS
Atticus.
TOM
Tom.
DEAN
Dean!
ATTICUS
That’s my—brother...
TOM
I have a brother too.
DEAN
(fascinated with the food and not the conversation.)
Are you going to eat that?
TOM
(nods no.)
He’s older.
ATTICUS
Older?
TOM
Yeah.
ATTICUS
Mine too...how long do you live?
TOM
Uh, 70, 80, even 90 years.
DEAN
Mmmm...Kettle Chips...
ATTICUS
What if someone snapped your head off?
TOM
Well, then less. But some people say you go to Heaven when
you die.
7
(ATTICUS glares at TOM)
DEAN
Heaven! We’ve been there! Its in the sky over Malibu.
TOM
Yes, it’s in the sky. And some people believe you come back
as someone or something else.
DEAN
Like a pigeon?
TOM
Uh, sure.
ATTICUS
So we could be related?
TOM
Sure, I suppose.
(the two parties size the other up,
looking for similarities.)
TOM
You have...nice...feathers.
ATTICUS
(going to touch Tom’s coat)
Thanks? You have nice...plumage...
TOM
Coat.
ATTICUS
Coat.
TOM
Thanks.
DEAN
This...is...getting too weird. I’m... (he walks away and grabs
the sandwich in his mouth as he is leaving.)
TOM
I’m sorry about your—
8
ATTICUS
Its not mine.
TOM
Oh.
(beat)
ATTICUS
Is she dead?
TOM
She’s glass—She was never alive.
ATTICUS
Oh.
TOM
I have to go.
(TOM places the head back in place and hands
ATTICUS the bottle. ATTICUS won’t accept it.
TOM places it on the bench. Grabs his
suitcase, brushes himself off and walks away.
As soon as he walks off ATTICUS pets
the bird gently then grabs it and cradles
it tight in his arms. Sings Blackbird by
The Beatles. Lights down.)
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